Mistakes Happen
by dr-cant-keep-his-pants-zipped
Summary: P/T and P/m (implied): Sometimes you see things and hear them, but choose not to acknowledge them.
1. Past Mistakes

Author: Jeanette Kofoed  
Series: 1/? in the "Mistakes Happen" series.  
Pairing: P/T, C/P (only insinuated)  
Rating: PG, sappy POV…  
Disclaimers: The characters (thought not called by name herein) belong to paramount, the story to me.

Thank you Kim, who kindly betaed this for me and did a great job...

Dedicated everyone's first/only/greatest love...

Past Mistakes…

***

I sit here, and it feels like I'm miles away.  
  
I'm just watching, I tell myself. I'm just watching…and at the same time dwelling on the thought of what I have missed. Love, passion…everything I have ever wanted.  
  
He smiles brightly at her - just her. Not even recognizing I'm here. Maybe I'm not; maybe I don't exist for him anymore.  
  
I lost it all, in one night, in one talk. One talk was all it took to shatter the carefully built friendship we had.  
  
A little cuddle, some shy fondling.  
  
It was all it took.  
  
I remember it wasn't the first time; though the first time I had pretended not to care, not to be effected as his fingers laced with mine and stroked my hand softly with his thumb. But it did. My heart was pounding, the feeling in my stomach was uncomfortable, strange. I was sweating lightly, just enough to know it myself, not the way you get when you have been exercising hard, but the way you get when you are embarrassed or worried…  
  
I was sure he could feel it, could feel my heart pound so hard.  
  
This time, we were on the couch again, me settled between his legs; don't ask me how I ended up there. One second I had been watching the scene before us with interest, discussing it with him, and the next moment I was sitting there against him, feeling him against my back. Spirits, it felt wonderful and yet so…so frustrating.   
  
Yes frustrating, that is the right word, because I couldn't do anything. Couldn't say anything, not then, not until that night.  
  
Why couldn't I just be like everyone else? Be comfortable with my feelings; be able to control my emotions; but no. I had to feel like a virgin, and I was, in this case anyway.   
  
He had wanted to kiss me, I could feel it, and Spirits, I wanted it too. This time it was his heart that was pounding so fast and hard, and I not mine. Which was perhaps the only reason I dared ask him.  
  
"What are we doing?"  
  
We had no idea. He told me he had loved me, get this - he had - that was until we had gotten separated. Separated in a battle he didn't really care for and thrown into a prison where a beautiful bird like him didn't belong. Before that we had been friends, it might have been a weird friendship, there is no doubt about that, but what a wonderful refreshing friendship was.  
  
Anyway, back to the point.  
  
All in all, he had wanted to do something about it before we got separated, before he disappeared, but it never happened, and now…now he just wanted to see if anything could happen between us. If his feelings were still there, if mine were. There was no doubt in my mind about me loving him back then, I still did and do.   
  
I just didn't tell him. Don't ask me why, because I really don't know. Don't know why I told him that I thought we should think about it, and that if we still felt the same way in a week we should talk.…  
  
That talk never came.  
  
Now he's sitting right in front of me, kissing her passionately. I sometimes try and make a joke but he doesn't laugh, it's like he doesn't even want to recognize my being there. I try to talk with him, but he ignores me.  
  
It hurts, it hurts a lot. Mostly because I know it's my fault we aren't together. Had I just kissed him, stopped being so nervous, stopped being such a coward, maybe we would be together, just maybe…and just maybe I would have had the chance to kiss him, to feel him, to show him that I love him, loved him then, and will until the day I die. I can't help it.  
  
I hate her you know, deeply. I hate the ground she walks on, her ease around him, her ability to do to him what I couldn't, and to give him what he wanted. No, that's not true. I don't hate her, it's not her fault, and I'm happy for them, I wish them all the best. I do, I truly do. I just can't help thinking that the day they break up I can have my chance again, and it will all be all right. And they will break up, they just have to…please.  
  
Why couldn't we not just still be friends? Why?  
  
Is it because I'm an idiot? Because he feels embarrassed around me? Why don't I know, what am I doing wrong?  
  
Someone please tell me?  
  
*******  
Today they married…today my life ended…today…today I really regret not doing something else back then…just something…just…  
  
Why? 

:::Continued in "Acknowledgement":::  



	2. Acknowledgement

Author: Jeanette Kofoed  
Series: 2/? in the "Mistakes Happen" series. Follows Past Mistakes...   
Pairing: P/T, C/P (only insinuated)  
Rating: PG, sappy POV…  
Archive: TPD.  
Disclaimers: The characters (thought not called by name herein, yet) belong to paramount, the story to me. 

The story does have some parallels with what happens on the show, however, it's not the same. 

Acknowledgement 

I can feel his gaze on my back as I walk through the mess hall. I'm married, I should be happy but I'm not - far from. 

I take her warm hand in mine and squeeze it. She looks softly at me with all this love, it's just for me. I feel bad, I feel like a coward. I craved so many years for this kind of love that I just took it where I could get it. Don't get me wrong, I love my...yes, wife, that's what she is now, I truly love her but it's not that searing heart shattering love that I felt for him - far from. How so? 

Why can't I love her like that? She'll give me everything I want. She lets me do everything I want, even looks beyond the fact that I would rather fly around or play on the holodeck than be with her, and it's true I do it all the time, run away and hide. She says nothing, just tries to do even more for me. 

I'm not a good person, if I was, I'd tell her the truth, I'd have told him the truth. Told him I was still in love with him when he asked me those four words: "What are we doing?" Instead I lied and tried to run away again because my love for him was killing me, I couldn't have handled it had he told me his feelings were different. 

I've never known how it was to be turned down by someone whom you loved because I never dated those particular persons who sparked that kind of fire within my soul; within my very being. I dated those who would do anything to be with me, those who would come to me would I even blink. I shamelessly exploited their weakness, love. 

However, I can't help wondering each and every waking moment of my life what would have happened had I told him. For years I danced around him, played cat and mouse with him, for years I LOVED him. What if he had loved me as well, what if he did? What if the looks he were giving me were signs of love and not distrust, as she said they were? She told me he thought of her as his daughter and me as a playboy, but how was she to know? She never knew of our flirting, our small touches. 

Suddenly I realize she is talking to me. 

"Would you like some of this, not really sure what it is, but it looks edible." She gives me that smile that we have often shared, that joyful smile that we always share when we dine here in the mess hall. 

I take a look at it, green, slimy, with something yellow that I think is some form of decoration. Who knows? I pick it up and smile at her, saying: "Thanks, if I start turning green around the edges call the Doc, would ya?" 

We both laugh in tune.

After having downed three of these green things, I see my...how come it's so hard to say...wife, walk towards the Captain to talk with her. 

I look around, searching for that familiar face, for those expressionless eyes. He's not here. I feel a pang of regret, sorrow. I wanted him to be here. 

I look around to see if anyone is watching me, and when I see no one I walk towards the door. I have only one goal on my mind, to find him. Maybe I'll even tell the truth this time; I'm married, it can't hurt me, I have someone to love me when he tells me the feelings aren't reciprocated. 

I won't hurt, will I? This won't hurt one bit. I am married, have someone to love me, albeit not the one I wanted a while ago but she loves me...isn't that enough? 

:::Continued in "The Naked Truth"::: 


	3. The Naked Truth

Author: Jeanette Kofoed  
Series: 3/? in the "Mistakes Happen" series. Follows Acknowledgement...   
Pairing: P/T, C/P, P, T, K, C  
Rating: PG, sappy POV…  
Disclaimers: The characters belong to paramount, the story to me. 

The story does have some parallels with what happens on the show, however, it's not the same. The characters are no longer nameless... 

The Naked Truth

He can pretend all he wants. I know that he's looking. Looking at him, not for the first time. This has been going on for longer than I can remember. I don't know why he bothers really, because he hates him, Chakotay hates him. Okay, maybe that's too strong a word. Hate isn't right, no, despise, distrust, those are the words one can use when describing Chakotay's personal feelings towards Tom. In Chakotay's eyes, Tom is no more than a playboy, a dishonorable man.

We've been through a lot, Tom and I. A lot more than people have seen, we keep most of it secret. I love him, at least I think I do. He was the only one who kept coming back even after I threw some of my famous half-klingon hissy-fits. I can't stand not being with him anymore and it worried me, worried me more than you can imagine, that he'd leave me to try getting close to Chakotay. I'm not sure why I worried so much; Chakotay doesn't like him anyway. Right? And Tom, oh boy Tom, he's chasing a fantasy. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't hook the two of them up, and let Tom act out his fantasy. He would come running straight back to me because...yes well because what can Chakotay give him that I can't?

I don't have to worry anymore though; we're married. FINALLY. I threw so many subtle hints that I was about ready to give up on him and just let our relationship stay like it is. BUT he asked...and here we are, or at least I am. From where I'm standing I can see Tom head out the door, and where is Chakotay?

Something is not right.

"Don't you think so B'Elanna?" Oh no, I didn't hear what she asked me. Of all people to zone out on, it had to be the Captain. No reason to even pretend I heard it.

"Hmm, could you please repeat that Captain, my mind isn't completely with me today." I throw her a charming and knowing smile, hoping she'll dismiss it.

Thankfully she just smiles and repeats the questions: "I was just saying that married life is great, and if you didn't agree?"

"Certainly, Captain, I haven't been more happy in my life." However, the second the words have left my mouth I feel guilty. Tom might be the right one for me, the right one to satisfy my needs but am I the right one for him?

Excusing myself, I head towards the door of the mess hall, passing smiling faces, happy couples...I don't remember Tom and I ever standing out like the happy couple at a social gathering. He would always be off playing some game and I discussing my work with whomever wanted to listen. What is wrong with us? 

Have I made a mistake marrying him? He'll make me happy, or at least die trying but will he be happy? It isn't just the matter of him wanting, no desiring Chakotay. It's a matter of the two of us, maybe we have just grown comfortable having one and another to fall back on when we feel bad? Maybe this entire relationship has become a habit? No, that can't be right, I love Tom. I do, and us being together is the best thing possible. We'll be happy; he'll get over Chakotay. I'm positive that Chakotay and Tom's mutual disappearing has nothing to do with this. Tom loves me. Only me...

:::Continued in "The Bystander":::


	4. The Bystanders

Author: Jeanette Kofoed  
Series: 4/? in the "Mistakes Happen" series. Follows The Naked Truth...   
Pairing: P/T, C/P, P, T, K, C  
Rating: PG, sappy POV…  
Disclaimers: The characters belong to paramount, the story to me. 

The story does have some parallels with what happens on the show, however, it's not the same. The characters are no longer nameless... 

The Bystander

I watch from afar as the events uncurl. 

Chakotay is watching Tom, then Tom watches Chakotay, and finally B'Elanna starts watching them both. It's been going on for so long that it's almost ridiculous. What kind of game are they playing?

Tom is my best friend; he might be unbearable sometimes, and he knows that as well, but he is a good man with a good heart. I admired him, wanted to be more like him. The reckless hotshot who knew everything, the kind of man that women would be swooning over. He taught me otherwise though. 

He taught me to be myself and that would be what women would fall for. He's probably right, however, all I've attracted so far are aliens, holoprograms and criminals.

Tom confides in me, some times unintentionally. He's an open book despite what people say. He might hide behind the devil may care charade, but once you make it past that you see Tom Paris, not the pilot, nor the admiral son, or whoever you thought him to be, you only see Tom Paris.

Okay back to the current situation. The marriage, Tom's feelings for B'Elanna, B'Elanna's feelings for Tom, Chakotay's feelings for Tom, Chakotay's feelings for B'Elanna, then there's Tom's feelings for Chakotay, and GOD, even my feelings for both Tom and B'Elanna...damn now even I'm confused.

From the beginning; Tom and B'Elanna always had something going, well on Tom's side anyway, she was a little bit more reluctant to set her feelings loose. They are good together but lately I've come to wonder if friendship wouldn't be the best. Tom, no matter how much he claims to love her, doesn't love her with all his heart, a part of that is reserved to someone else, and it shows. He often abandons B'Elanna to do some other great project of his, flying, programming, playing, hanging out with me and...well a dozen of other things. No matter how hard she tries, he won't stay still...he just keeps flying. 

B'Elanna, she loves Tom, I know she does. But isn't that just because Tom takes her for who she is, and doesn't try to change her to someone he wants. She's seen Tom Paris, the person, the lover, the friend. And she wants a piece of that as well, maybe even without caring who she hurts along the way.

Maybe that's why they shouldn't have gotten married, because without the bond of marriage, I'm pretty sure they would have drifted apart.

I wanted her once. It's true, who wouldn't want to be her boyfriend, her lover? I like her, she's intelligent, she doesn't get bored, like Tom for instance, when talking of science, and she's beautiful. She is perhaps the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

I've been watching Chakotay lately. I don't know for how long he has had the "hots" for Tom. I only started paying attention to him, after Tom one night, in a drunken daze, confessed his desire to have Chakotay. Back then I didn't know it was more than just casual sex he wanted. 

How was I to know that? 

The part of Tom's life that took place in the Maquis, is the one part he's hidden from me. 

And he's hidden it well. 

That's why I often get the feeling that something happened between the two back then. 

But what? 

Chakotay watches Tom, with passion and something else in his eyes. I don't care how many times Tom comes to me complaining about Chakotay this, Chakotay that, those two do definitely not hate each other, it's quite the opposite. 

Thinking of the two, where are they? I haven't seen them for a while, and now that I think of it...I think I saw Chakotay head towards the exit and now B'Elanna is heading away. 

Maybe I should follow? Just to make sure...

:::Continued in "Pandora's Box":::


	5. Pandora's Box

Author: Jeanette Kofoed  
Series: 5/? in the "Mistakes Happen" series. Follows The Bystander   
Pairing: P/T, C/P, P, T, K, C  
Rating: PG, sappy POV…  
Archive: TPDorm  
Disclaimers: The characters belong to paramount, the story to me. 

The story does have some parallels with what happens on the show, however, it's not the same. The characters are no longer nameless... 

Pandora's Box

Two hours, seven minutes and 50 seconds. That's how long they've been married now...it's too long.

Why?

I'll tell you why. It's because I was too stupid to fight for what I wanted, I was ready to fight for my people; for people I didn't even know. I am ready to fight for honor, justice and the safety of the crew, but not love...

In the end it all comes down to a matter of principles and what we all prioritize as the most important thing in life; I just made the wrong choice. Above all I wanted everyone else to be happy not caring what happened to me; I forgot that if the heart of the deliverer is broken so is the message. How can I talk of honor and love if I can't do it right myself?

I had to get out of the mess hall; it was for the best. I didn't want Tom to see my face. Didn't want him to recognize the faint lines of tears. I want him to be happy; it's all I've got left.

I stop at a viewport and gaze out upon the stars, planets...simple life...that pass by so quickly as we travel home. Home to what?

I could have Janeway... Kathryn. A sweet woman but not the kind of person I'd share the rest of my life with. Tom... is or at least I think he is. 

That's the problem. He never gave me a chance to see the real him. 

I've only watched him from afar, with Harry...not B'Elanna. 

He was never himself around B'Elanna. I wonder why? I care for her. 

I want to hate her but I can hardly blame her, or can I? I know they are not right for one another. 

I just know it, but does she know? If she does then she's making a big mistake. She'll be the one hurt.

"You left so quickly..."

He can't be here but he is, I'd know his voice anywhere, anytime. Maybe if I stay with my back turned to him he will go away because I'm not sure I can bear to see the happy look upon his face, a happiness she brought there...

"Chakotay?" Damn he's still here...I'd better turn around.

What greets me isn't what I'd have expected. It's a look of sadness, worry...regret. Yes regret. I'd know that look anywhere. 

I see it each morning when I stand in front of the mirror watching the face that people know as Chakotay. Little do they know it's only a charade. 

The face I carry is not the one of Chakotay, not anymore, it's a shell of the man I once was...nothing will ever be the same.

"Tom..." I don't know what to say..."Shouldn't you...eh...be with B'Elanna?"

There, that didn't seem too obvious now did it? Of course fool...maybe I should just go bury myself.

"Chakotay..." Tom says and then stops cold as I did. He stands still not knowing what to say; the look he gives me says it all though. NO. No no no...it can't be, he can't.

"You shouldn't...I mean, no damn it I don't know." He looks flustered, he looks uncertain. 

Maybe just once, maybe I can have him just once...

I take a step towards him, caught in his gaze. I see the stars pass by as big white lines out of the corner of my eye; I hear his breath, I can even hear his heart beat. This is wrong; I know it is. I look into his eyes, I see myself in them. 

I didn't know...God Tom had I known...I swear...

I step closer, and we are suddenly too close. 

How did that happen? I realize he moved as well, moved without me seeing it...no correction...he flew, like he always does.

"Chakotay?" It's a question, and yet it's a demand. 

He wants it, I'm certain. It's all written in his eyes. He wants me, he wants this. I move in closer...so close, so very very close.

"TOM!!" 

A confused voice...deep dark blue eyes look at me. 

Regret; I see the regret again before he turns away to run after her.

"B'Elanna," he yells. "Please stop."

She saw us; saw us kissing. 

No...about to kiss. No mistaking that. God, what have I done? 

What box of forbidden secrets have I opened?

:::Continued in the "The Admiral's Curse":::


	6. The Admiral's Curse

Author: Jeanette Kofoed  
Series: 6/? in the "Mistakes Happen" series. Follows Pandora's Box...   
Pairing: P/T, C/P (only insinuated)  
Rating: PG, sappy POV…  
Archive: ATPS, TPD, TPP, Parisnights.  
Disclaimers: The characters belong to paramount, the story to me. 

The story does have some parallels with what happens on the show, however, it's not the same. The characters are no longer nameless... 

The Admiral's Curse

I must have been standing there for hours, it could be minutes though. When I look at Chakotay time stands still while it at the same time passes by too quickly. Time is nothing.

I just watch him, knowing that this is forbidden, what I want I can't have and in a way I'm doing what I never thought I'd have to do. 

Me...Tom Paris the pilot, the Admiral's son...I never had to choose second best. I want him, I love him, I can't have him though. He doesn't want me and if he did it would be impossible. Men dating men. A big no no, at least according to the Admiral but that never stopped me from desiring. Damn him for making me feel like that. Damn him for making me feel it was  
wrong to want another man, love another man. Damn him for making me feel so uncomfortable, so uneasy, about it all.

As a young man in the Academy I dated women, at least on the surface, but I had a few men on and off. No one really sparked that special something in me that everyone else talked about, no one, not until I met Chakotay. He was big, feisty, and a man of honor. He liked me, even though he wouldn't have said that out loud. I never had time to move in on him to tell him of my feelings before we were separated on a mission doomed to fail. He's hated me ever since...at least I thought he did!

I find Chakotay after a few minutes. I know I shouldn't have followed him. It isn't right. But here he is, standing all alone at the window looking so lost I can't help it, but I just want to go over and wrap my arms around him, tell him it will al be better again even though I know it won't. Or maybe that is fear...?

"You left so quickly..." the words I wasn't supposed to say out loud, I was only thinking them but I hear them and so does he. He just keeps standing there, and it hurts me, I feel like he's turning his back on me. I suddenly want to shout at him, tell him I hate him so that we can both move past this instead when I open my mouth, a sorrowful sound emerge, a questioning:

"Chakotay?"

He stands still but oh so slowly turn towards me, face me. He look at me, what does he see? Does he see what I want him to see, the regret that we never got together? The love I harbor for him? His face is passive, he's closed...why won't he open up?

"Tom..." the look on his face, oh my God, he's going to tell me he doesn't like me, he's going to confirm my fears..."shouldn't you...eh...be with B'Elanna?"

What?

"Chakotay..." I trail of not knowing what to say, it wasn't exactly what I had expected him to say.

"You shouldn't...I mean, no damn it I don't know." That's the truth I don't know anything, everything was so great before, just me and Harry being best buddies, me and B'Elanna being great friends...before the wedding everything was fine...now...

He's looking at me now, moving closer to me. I still can't read him, at least I don't want to. I can't. It's too late, we can't go there now. The warm brown eyes tells me differently, and I feel myself moving closer to him without even knowing it. I feel like I'm flying.

Suddenly I'm drowning, I'm crashing, he's so close too close, his breath is on my lips, we are so...

"TOM!!"

I swirl around, hurt eyes, the eyes of my wife look at me. She turn around and run:

"B'Elanna," I yell, "please stop."

I forget all about Chakotay, well not true, all I can think about is that now I hurt two people that I care about, where's Harry...step right up Harry and I'll punch your lights out as well.

"B'Elanna?" I keep yelling at her to stop, thank God that everybody is in the mess hall, well almost everybody and those few that are now, are definitely not roaming these halls, because if they saw us now...well I can't even go there.

I keep running and come to a stop around the next corner, she is standing there, so very still...what do I do, what do I say. The truth? The truth, I'll tell her the truth.

"Tom, that never happened, do you hear me, that never happened. You tried that, you had your fun...no be a good boy and get over him."

Her voice, it scares me. It's so hurt and yet, it's not confused, she knew, she knew about all of this...how could she?

:::Continued in "First Fight and last"


End file.
